i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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