Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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