phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My liver just had a heart attack.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
