just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
