I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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