so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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