I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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