She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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