You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
