My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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