i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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