My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
