Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
