haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
