Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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