you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
where are my eyebrows?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
