I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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