I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
