I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
