when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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