I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you have to choose: penises or morals?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
