Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
