He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
