It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
