i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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