the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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