I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
