New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
