Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I want to be your penis for a week.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
