She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
