i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
