i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You need Xanax blowdarts
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
