Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
