We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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