my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
