Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
