I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize