WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
