I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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