The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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