Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
