new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
