Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
