if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
