Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
