The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
