I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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