I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i came on her dog
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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