I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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