And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
