I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
