my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
