im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
