the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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