Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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