tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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