Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
