God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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